Everyone seems to have some sort of anxiety or depression. And I’m sure everyone does go through it at some point in their life.
I don’t want this to be just like all the rest of the stories you’ve heard or read. I panic, I get scared. I have anxiety. It’s scary especially now I have a baby. Don’t feel sorry for me just understand, this isn’t something I talk about or get in to. It’s hard and like I said everyone seems to have it so everyone brushes it off or won’t believe what I say. So what’s the point, I’ll just deal with it.
In a few moments I will convince myself that something bad is going to happen or there’s someone there that’s going to hurt me (that’s the most common) I’ve even frozen in my steps on the way to my crying baby in bed as I’m convinced that the reason he is crying is because there is something or someone in there that is making him cry. That’s a tricky one because I have to go in there, it’s my baby, he’s crying and I need to comfort him. That may sound silly to so many people. I can’t look out of windows at night, I can’t go into a dark room. I can’t be alone without worries. I’ve never got any help for this, what could anyone do? Thank god I live with someone or I wouldn’t cope. Any noise in that instant is a danger to me. It never is, but that’s just what my mind and body are telling me. It’s always “have you locked the doors? Are the windows shut? Can you turn the light on for me?”
It gets better some days; some days I don’t panic or scared by anything. I wish those days were everyday. Then there’s the bad days where I’ve had panic attacks. Different panic attacks. Not just ones where you panic and can’t breathe, I dry heave, I stop in my track and freeze. These are forms of panic attacks that people never talk about. It’s all shit. I wish this wasn’t part of my life but it is and I have to get on with it.
People might say “oh but Beth you’re fine with people and going out in public” yes I can go and talk to people in shops and say hi to strangers. People don’t see when I don’t get worried in a instant. The only person who does is Sean. Who is an absolute saint! I make him answer the door and when I don’t feel like calling people grown ups have to call, about bills and thing like that I’ll make him do it, and he will. If I don’t have to do or speak to someone because he’s there he’ll do it.
Don’t just presume. I may look, act and seem absolutely the most confident person you’ve ever met. I don’t want to show everyone I’m scared of almost everything because I need to just get on with it for Torin. He needs to see that life isn’t scary and he is growing up to be an amazing confident little boy.
This was a blunt one but I just wanted to get it out there. If someone is suffering or trying to tell you something. Listen, help them through it. And if they insist or ask you to do something silly like call someone for them please do it, in their mind it’s horrifying and indiscribable. Please don’t make fun of someone for not wanting to do something or tell them to calm down when they are panicking because they are worried. It’s hard enough already.
Peace, Beth xox