‘Not anything story about anxiety’

Everyone seems to have some sort of anxiety or depression. And I’m sure everyone does go through it at some point in their life. 

I don’t want this to be just like all the rest of the stories you’ve heard or read. I panic, I get scared. I have anxiety. It’s scary especially now I have a baby. Don’t feel sorry for me just understand, this isn’t something I talk about or get in to. It’s hard and like I said everyone seems to have it so everyone brushes it off or won’t believe what I say. So what’s the point, I’ll just deal with it. 

In a few moments I will convince myself that something bad is going to happen or there’s someone there that’s going to hurt me (that’s the most common) I’ve even frozen in my steps on the way to my crying baby in bed as I’m convinced that the reason he is crying is because there is something or someone in there that is making him cry. That’s a tricky one because I have to go in there, it’s my baby, he’s crying and I need to comfort him. That may sound silly to so many people. I can’t look out of windows at night, I can’t go into a dark room. I can’t be alone without worries. I’ve never got any help for this, what could anyone do? Thank god I live with someone or I wouldn’t cope. Any noise in that instant is a danger to me. It never is, but that’s just what my mind and body are telling me. It’s always “have you locked the doors? Are the windows shut? Can you turn the light on for me?”

It gets better some days; some days I don’t panic or scared by anything. I wish those days were everyday. Then there’s the bad days where I’ve had panic attacks. Different panic attacks. Not just ones where you panic and can’t breathe, I dry heave, I stop in my track and freeze. These are forms of panic attacks that people never talk about. It’s all shit. I wish this wasn’t part of my life but it is and I have to get on with it. 

People might say “oh but Beth you’re fine with people and going out in public” yes I can go and talk to people in shops and say hi to strangers. People don’t see when I don’t get worried in a instant. The only person who does is Sean. Who is an absolute saint! I make him answer the door and when I don’t feel like calling people grown ups have to call, about bills and thing like that I’ll make him do it, and he will. If I don’t have to do or speak to someone because he’s there he’ll do it. 

Don’t just presume. I may look, act and seem absolutely the most confident person you’ve ever met. I don’t want to show everyone I’m scared of almost everything because I need to just get on with it for Torin. He needs to see that life isn’t scary and he is growing up to be an amazing confident little boy. 

This was a blunt one but I just wanted to get it out there. If someone is suffering  or trying to tell you something. Listen, help them through it. And if they insist or ask you to do something silly like call someone for them please do it, in their mind it’s horrifying and indiscribable. Please don’t make fun of someone for not wanting to do something or tell them to calm down when they are panicking because they are worried. It’s hard enough already. 
Peace, Beth xox

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My baby is in nursery

Torin is now nearly 7 months and I’m back to work. Only 2 days a week but that’s still 18 hours, two very long days. 

I work in a day nursery so it’s super convenient as Torin is able to go in the days I’m there. I was going to write this the day he went back but decided I’d see what it was like to write how I feel about it all. I was so excited for him to start nursery and for me to get back in the swing of thing; it’s good to be doing something productive again. 

The first day me and T were ready for 7:30 and then we went. I was in the room with him at nursery for about an hour and when I left I was expecting maybe a little moan or cry but there was nothing. My little baby boy is so confident. I’m not going to lie it did break my heart a little bit thinking he didn’t miss me but I guess he’s probably too young to even know what’s going on. I’m glad he’s there while I’m at work, I’ll know if he’s ever hurt or if he gets ill I can be there within seconds. There is a few down sides like when I do hear him cry I just want to go and cuddle him tight so he knows I’m there. Sometimes when he’s not even crying I still want to do that. He’s just so squishy and cute! 

This was him before we left for his first day in nursery and my first day back to work. 
It is all going well but is exhausting I basically go straight to bed when I go home or when little Torin goes to sleep. It’s nice to speak to everyone again and have a lot more human interaction than I have been having. Now I’m not going to say I love work I don’t think many people would but going back makes me feel like I’m in the real world again and that’s pretty cool. Plus Torin gets to see other babbas, gets to socialise and is progressing a lot faster now. He’s so close to crawling! I’m appreciating every minute because I know one day I’ll blink and he’ll be all grown up. 

I love my little mate. 

Daddy’s gone.

Daddy got a new job. 

Me and Torin Lee are missing Sean, he’s gone for the week. I say the week but we got a message saying he might be home today so god knows. He’s staying in hotels all over while training for his new job. Working for Ferrero Rocher Imight add. Chocolate heaven. 

He’s only been gone a day and a night and personally I’m already missing him. I need my rock, especially when the little monster doesn’t like to sleep at night leaving me exhausted. Although it’s not like I’m alone, my annoying anxiety has taken over and I’m staying at his mums over the road just so I’m not alone at night. I should probably get over it and man up especially now I have Torin. But anyone that suffers would understand. I hope. I’ll go into that on another post. 

We have been waiting for ages for a job like this to come into our life and after a month of waiting to start we were so excited for him to go off and start the training. Sean’s a happy boy especially as he gets a lovely company car. Things in life don’t always go great but if you’re patient and wait it out it has a way of turning around and in the end brings something good or exciting. You just have to be patient; stay positive. Which I must admit is hard for me to do at times. 

See you soon daddy xx

Baby Torin’s 6 month update

So my little boy is 6 months tomorrow, half a year! It’s gone way too quick. I must say though he is lovely, gorgeous with a cheeky little personality it definitely hasn’t been easy so far. 

So how much has Torin learnt in his first 6 months of life. Torin can roll over, he learnt to roll over maybe a couple of months ago literally in a day and hasn’t stopped doing it since. He laughs, babbles, blows raspberries and makes all sorts of noises in attempt to talk to me. It’s amazing. The little monster is also OBSESSED with his toes, grabbing them when ever he can and sticking them straight into his mouth. 

I’m waiting for him to learn to crawl as quickly as he did roll over. Torin sticks his bum in the air and gets on his hands and knees but he just can’t move yet, he kind of just stays there looking like a wobbly baby deer when it takes its first steps. Quite sweet really. He can’t quite sit up yet but I’m pretty sure that’ll be happening very soon. It all happens very quick. Oh and he LOVES to stand up, not on his own of course but with help. He will whine for ages until we pick him up onto his feet. We could have ourselves an early walker here! 

• Weaning- I don’t really have a clue when it comes to weaning so I ask a lot of questions to whoever I can and do what I’ve learnt from the nursery I work at. I’m kind of just going with the flow and winging it. I mean I am giving what I’ve read babies of his age should have or how they should have it. He has porridge every morning and is now eating a small purée meal in the evening followed by a friut purée or mixed up rusk. He loves to chew carrots as well, but hates broccoli. It can get frustrating but I’m just going to take it slow and see how it goes. He seems fine with everything so I am too. 

Now here’s the bit I’m not enjoying, this little boy won’t sleep. He was going so well and only waking once now he’s waking 2-3 times a night or once but for ages. I’m talking an hour an hour and a half. It takes cuddles, water and milk to try and get him down again. I’ve had a bit of a break down today from pure exhaustion and me thinking what the hell am I doing wrong. Apparently it’s meant to pass after a few days this 6 month olds not sleeping thing. It’s been I’d say nearly 2 weeks. 

Ah man I do love him though and yeah that’s kind of where Torin is at with his life so far. I’m excited for what the next few months bring. Sleep I’m hoping. 

It’s been a while…

I was proper in to this, I enjoyed writing about my life and letting people in. Why did I stop? I think when things in life don’t really turn out how you’d like them to you remember all little extras piled on top that make it that tiny bit more stressful.

• Anxiety!!!
• Looking after a baby
• Looking after yourself
• Money
• LIFE

All of that has got on top of me and I stopped writing. 

I’m just waiting for my life to turn around for the best and finally be completely happy with it. It’s not that I’m not happy with my life as I have my gorgeous baby (who is 6 months now!) my lovely Sean and of course a roof over our heads.

                                

But it does get tough. I’m one of those people that will only show that to the people closest to me. No one knows how I feel inside or about anything really apart from my Sean. That takes me down another route. You know you’ve got a gooden when you can literally tell your partner everything and be completely yourself around them. I must admit it did take me a while but he accepts me for me and I accept him for him. We’re perfect for each other. 

Right, I don’t want this to be a soppy one. It’s just meant to be a little update or for me to slowly start being back on the ball and posting again! 

Our weekend

What our little family got up to this weekend. We usually don’t do a lot but as the weather is getting nicer I’m adiment to start doing more. 

So on Saturday I really wanted us all to go swimming and go into town together. This didn’t happen as little sean was slightly hungover. I went into town on my own and spoilt not just Torin but myself. Oops. Too much money spent. But it’s my birthday this month so I’ve classed it as a birthday present from myself and Torin. I bought the little monkey books which I have wanted to do and I got some pretty cool ones. Also while I was in TK MAXX I saw so much. This little paddling pool I got for £3.99! AMAZING. I now just can’t wait until he’s old enough to sit up and start playing properly. 

Sunday-

On Sunday we all went into town as the clothes I bought myself were basically all too small. Yeah, that made me feel good about myslef. I swapped the clothes then we all went for lunch at Bella Italia. It was gorgeous. I had this creamy salmon pasta and Sean had a cheesy chicken pasta bake. Don’t ask me names I don’t have a clue. Torin was so good I fed him a bottle then he slept through the whole meal. 

Sean suggested something a bit different was to pretend like we were on our first date  it was actually so good we were asking eachother questions and just having fun. It’s nice to just forget about everything for a minute and go back to the start. 

After lunch we of course got some sweets. Who can resist when you walk past an amazing sweet shop! Then we went to sit by the river in the sun, the weather was gorgeous. Torin loved it, he was looking up at the sky and felt grass on his toes for the first time. I really enjoyed it. It definitely needs to be done more often and I’m going to make sure it does. Not only was it good for baby but it was good for me and Sean. When you’re with someone for a while it’s easy just to relax and just get on with life but by going out and doing different things it kind of spruces things up a bit and you realise why you fell for the person in the first place. 

(This was written very very quickly, there a baby to my left that wants my full attention) 

A bit deeper…

I’m going to follow up from my post ‘Finding out I was pregnant’. (https://bethstafford123.wordpress.com/2016/05/28/finding-out-i-was-pregnant/ )Now this is going to go a bit deeper but I’m an open book. 

My real thoughts on becoming pregnant unexpectedly. 

After I took the pregnant by test I did look in the mirror and question to my self “what now?” but there was a lot more to it. I had to tell my boyfriend of course, the father of this baby. What would he say? What would he think? Then I had to let his mum know and my dad! That isn’t what scared me the most. It was the initial thought of having a baby. But was I going to have this baby? 

Getting pregnant at the age I was to me was too young as it is to a lot of people. I felt judged immediately. I’d also always said that if I fell pregant before I was ready I would have to have (I’m going to say it) an abortion. Horrible word. I wasn’t ready, we had no money, no where to live with space for a baby, how were we going to do it? 

The only way I could let Sean know was to call him at the time. During the phone call to him I asked what we should do. He knew exactly what I meant. Sean was really supportive and said it was my choice and he would stick by me whatever. So I had the choice…pressure, so much pressure. I thought about it for what felt like forever to me but was probably only a day or two. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bare the thought of going through with it. One of the main things was that I knew I wanted children and what if I couldn’t have children again; that this was the only time I could get pregnant. So I decided to keep the baby (of course). 

Both my parents and Seans family turned out to be super excited and supportive which made me feel a lot better. Seans mum was so helpful through everything, I can’t thank her enough. Even Sean was excited and then the excitement hit me. Of course I had fears and doubts throughout pregnancy but it’s all turned out pretty much near to perfect now. 

Now I know what people are thinking “she’s against abortion” etc. I’m not. Under circumstances if its the right decision for you I would never put you or anyone down for doing it. I mean i considered it. I also think it takes a strong person to do it. If anyone has read this and has maybe any questions or anything feel free to ask me. I’m no agony aunt but I’d be happy to help you though anything. 

Finding out I was PREGNANT!!

Here’s my story on when I found out I was pregnant. It’s a scary story, well at least it scared me immensely. 

It was the weekend of my ‘birthday drinks’ this was the weekend after I turned 19. I planned for my friends to come to my mums house to celebrate, I wasn’t living there at the time. So I came down to my mums to get everything ready but there had been this thought in my head for the past week that something was different. My body was telling me something. 

Before everyone came over I went into town with a couple of my friends. One was female luckily, we went into boots together to get a pregnancy test. It’s a scary thing purchasing a pregnancy test when you still look 16/17. I mean it’s not a horrible thing and I don’t judge people (I can’t really I had a baby young) but I’m always so scared of being judged. I was kind of embarrassed in a way. I shouldn’t have been. 

So I went home alone, mum was down stairs. I had bought a two pack just to make sure, to double check. I took the first test and I obviously did something wrong or peed all over it because it had an error. I did the second then BAM there it was. PREGNANT!  Me I was pregnant. I didn’t know how or what to feel. I remember staring at my self in the mirror and just thinking “what now”.

After all of this I decided to go down stairs. I sat without saying a word in front of my mum before she said “what’s wrong? Somethings up” I looked up at her teary eyed and she said it “you’re pregnant aren’t you” I nodded and burst into tears. She hugged me and even started to figure out the due date. She was excited. I then spent the whole night in silence not drinking and having my friends ask me what the matter was and why wasn’t I drinking. They must have had an inkling. 

Everyone was so supportive (when I eventually told them). It was a HUGE surprise. But nearly a year later here he is. My Torin Lee. 

Let me introduce myself

So this is all new to me and I have no idea where to start so I’ll just dive straight in. 

I’m beth, I’m a 19 year old with a gorgeous 3 month old little boy. 

 Never did I ever think this is what my life would be at 19. I live with my partner and we have a baby together. Finding out I was pregnant was the most surprising and shocking thing I’ve experienced. But it’s the best thing that has ever happened.

Years ago I imagined I’d live this crazy lifestyle. Always spending time with my friends, wasting my money, going out, getting drunk and probably getting into trouble. Then I soon realised this was never going to happen when I knew me and Sean were serious and planning on moving in together. I then was hoping in a few years he would hopefully propose (when I became a proper adult) before even thinking about kids. This was my plan anyway, he was never one for commitment. Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly after us being together for 2 1/2 years. Now here we are in our little flat with our baby. Oh and we have a cat. Crazy. My life has completely changed. I couldn’t be happier.